The power of giving up - Self Love talks #2
It's been a while, so bear with me, there's a long but important post coming.
It's been bad lately. I haven't been well. I'm exhausted, my back hurts, I've been crying way too often and being anxious without really knowing why. College has given me a lot of great things: I met some of the most important people of my life, I learned a lot about the world and I grew as a person. But it has also taken a lot from me - my time, and consequently, my mental health.
It's not exactly college's fault though. I mean, sure, we get a lot of work, and it's arguable if it's fair to expect so much from students: Today, I have classes from 9AM to 9PM. In Portugal, I'd often have tests finishing at 10PM and classes the following day at 8AM - most kids take around one hour to get to school, so that, to me, doesn't sound fair at all. But college isn't forcing me to attend everyday, take every test and pass every class: I am.
When I got into college, I said to myself: "I'll take it easy. There's no hurry. It's okay if I fail a few classes because I don't have a deadline to finish college. I can take my time, and enjoy it". Yet, on my first year of college I was already struggling with projects, and putting school before my health and my passions. On my first semester, I had a programming project with a friend of mine. My boyfriend was doing it with another friend, and our groups were helping each other, but the project was still really hard. At some point, we all had a Skype chat in which we were considering giving up so we could focus on the other classes, and leave programming for the next year. I was so close to giving up, but I didn't, and because of me, my friend didn't either. However, my boyfriend and his friend did give up.
I managed to pass with the minimum score. My boyfriend didn't submit his project, so he failed and had to repeat the class on the following year. I offered to repeat the class with him (to raise my grade) and be his group this time. We both did things more calmly, and in the end, we got a good grade. In fact, my boyfriend scored higher than me.
I managed to pass with the minimum score. My boyfriend didn't submit his project, so he failed and had to repeat the class on the following year. I offered to repeat the class with him (to raise my grade) and be his group this time. We both did things more calmly, and in the end, we got a good grade. In fact, my boyfriend scored higher than me.
So where did not giving up lead me? To absolutely nowhere. Having worked super hard ended up being a waste of my time, in which I could be focusing on other subjects, or even more importantly, taking care of myself. I wish I had learned my lesson, but I didn't: Semester after semester I find myself working way too hard on things that aren't that worth it after all, and sacrificing myself and my health because I keep thinking "It's just a little longer, and then I can rest and do everything else I want to do". But it's been 4 years.
Now, although I can't blame college (since I'm the one doing this to myself ), I don't think I'm the one to blame either. I feel like there is a strong culture around us that is pushing us to work super hard on everything we do, especially anything school and job related. "Do your best, don't give up" seems like a wonderful mindset to have until you realize it's making you waste your whole life in things that just aren't that important to you.
So this week I had to make an important decision, and I'm still shaking, even though it might not seem like a big deal. Me and my boyfriend decided to give up two of our five classes. We were working too much, and weren't enjoying our time here. School is something that we can get done sooner or later, but this moment in our lives is something we'll never get back. If we fail two classes, we won't be able to finish college next year as we were "supposed to", but looking around, no one finishes this major on the designated time, and I'm in no hurry to leave school and get a job. To be honest, all I can see are advantages to this choice we made: I can focus on the other subjects; I'll have more time to do other things that are important to me, like writing here and editing videos; I'll have time to do so many things I miss doing, like reading, watching movies, playing Sims, spending quality time with my boyfriend, writing, exercising... And I'll be able to actually explore Seville. I'm really excited with all the possibilities that this time can bring me.
But I'm scared. There's a part of me that is screaming, telling me that I'm being lazy, that I'm making a mistake, and to go back to studying for the test I would be having tomorrow. I was doing so well too, I was keeping up with classes and had the maximum score on the one evaluation we had so far. I guess if it was going worse it would be easier for me to give up - knowing that I would be able to do it if I tried makes me really, really anxious about not trying. But it's just not worth it - what I would get from success is not important enough to be worth all the time and energy I'd have to dedicate to it.
This experience, and the resistance that I have to giving up (even though there's nothing valuable that I would get if I kept trying), is helping me learn a lot about myself and self love. I'm realizing that giving up might be even more than just getting the time for myself I so desperately need. It's also a lesson for me to conquer my fear of giving up, and to be able to stand up for myself and my needs. I'm learning that "Knowing when to give up" and actually be able to let things go are two very different things for me, and hopefully this challenge will make it easier for me in the future to say "No" when I need to.
When I first started writing this post, I hadn't even realized giving up was an option. I was going to talk about how I needed time and why I decided to take a break from the blog and from making videos, since I realized that on my breaks I was forcing myself to work on those things rather than resting, and that not resting was making me super anxious and depressed. But here's the thing - those are the things I love doing, and the things that right now give me motivation and joy. Those are the things I should be working on, even if they don't get me a good grade, or money in the future. I have limited time in my life, and I surely don't want to waste all of it telling myself "It's just a little longer"...
Have you ever been in a similar situation? Do you find yourself working super hard on things that don't bring value to your life, just because your mind is telling you to keep going? I would love to know your experience!
Follow me on Bloglovin'
But I'm scared. There's a part of me that is screaming, telling me that I'm being lazy, that I'm making a mistake, and to go back to studying for the test I would be having tomorrow. I was doing so well too, I was keeping up with classes and had the maximum score on the one evaluation we had so far. I guess if it was going worse it would be easier for me to give up - knowing that I would be able to do it if I tried makes me really, really anxious about not trying. But it's just not worth it - what I would get from success is not important enough to be worth all the time and energy I'd have to dedicate to it.
This experience, and the resistance that I have to giving up (even though there's nothing valuable that I would get if I kept trying), is helping me learn a lot about myself and self love. I'm realizing that giving up might be even more than just getting the time for myself I so desperately need. It's also a lesson for me to conquer my fear of giving up, and to be able to stand up for myself and my needs. I'm learning that "Knowing when to give up" and actually be able to let things go are two very different things for me, and hopefully this challenge will make it easier for me in the future to say "No" when I need to.
When I first started writing this post, I hadn't even realized giving up was an option. I was going to talk about how I needed time and why I decided to take a break from the blog and from making videos, since I realized that on my breaks I was forcing myself to work on those things rather than resting, and that not resting was making me super anxious and depressed. But here's the thing - those are the things I love doing, and the things that right now give me motivation and joy. Those are the things I should be working on, even if they don't get me a good grade, or money in the future. I have limited time in my life, and I surely don't want to waste all of it telling myself "It's just a little longer"...
Have you ever been in a similar situation? Do you find yourself working super hard on things that don't bring value to your life, just because your mind is telling you to keep going? I would love to know your experience!
Follow me on Bloglovin'
Comentários
Enviar um comentário