Adults are always right - Things you should never say to a child
I'm 21 - that awkward moment when you realize all the main characters in Disney Channel are younger than you.
Being an adult is a very new and weird thing for me, and it is making me think a lot back into my childhood. You see, now I realize that adults are stupid, and do stupid things. But as a child, you don't see that - when you're a child, other children may seem silly to you, but adults never do: Adults are always right.
And so, adults, without realizing, hold a huge power over children, and something insignificant for you can have a really big impact on the rest of that child's life. I have really vivid memories of things that adults said and did to me when I was a kid - most of them had no bad intentions at all - that not only ruined my day back then, as might have affected my current personality. And only now, that I am looking back to these memories, I'm realizing that I wasn't to blame in these situations: It was the adults around me that did things that they shouldn't have done to a child. These people were supportive, caring loved ones that I know would never want me to feel the way I did. But everyone makes mistakes, and it's important to recognize the past mistakes so we won't make them in the future.
And so, adults, without realizing, hold a huge power over children, and something insignificant for you can have a really big impact on the rest of that child's life. I have really vivid memories of things that adults said and did to me when I was a kid - most of them had no bad intentions at all - that not only ruined my day back then, as might have affected my current personality. And only now, that I am looking back to these memories, I'm realizing that I wasn't to blame in these situations: It was the adults around me that did things that they shouldn't have done to a child. These people were supportive, caring loved ones that I know would never want me to feel the way I did. But everyone makes mistakes, and it's important to recognize the past mistakes so we won't make them in the future.
 |
Keep in mind that I'm not a parent, so there are a lot of things that I still don't know about dealing with children, and I am in no way trying to act like an expert. These are just a few things that I remember adults saying or doing to me when I was younger that made me feel a way I never want to make a child feel like.
1. Don't laugh at a child
When I was learning to write, I did a lot of basic spelling mistakes - which is to be expected, right? I bet that was a very funny and cute thing to watch. My parents laughed a lot - and now I understand why. But back then I didn't. Back then, when they laughed, I felt humiliated, embarrassed, and stupid. So I know that sometimes, a child is so innocent and cute you can't help but laugh at their mistakes. But realize how you're making that child feel, and make sure that, if you slipped up and laughed, you apologize, you tell them it's normal to make mistakes, that they are going really well, and that they should feel proud of themselves. Please don't let them think you're making fun of them, since that might deeply affect their self confidence.
2. Don't comment on a child's appearance
It's pretty obvious that you shouldn't make a child feel bad about their looks. As a chubby child, I always felt insecure and ugly, and the comments from adults were really harmful to me. Tips to losing weight and to look prettier are not helpful to a child who shouldn't care if they're attractive or not!
But positive comments should be avoided too. I'm really guilty of this, to be honest - I have really cute small cousins that I love to compliment by telling them they are pretty. Now, don't get me wrong, when I was younger, I was really happy when an adult told me I was cute. But when you compliment someone for their looks, you're making them think about their looks. And I can't say this enough: Children should not be encouraged to care whether they're attractive or not. Children should be taught to love and respect their bodies, not to worry if they fit into what others think is beautiful.
3. Don't compare children
This is really obvious for me, but people do it without noticing. I have an older brother, who I've always looked up too. He is really intelligent and always had really good grades. Besides, he is just a really sweet, charming and funny guy. Everyone loves my brother, so growing up, I couldn't help but be a little jealous. Even though I also got really good grades (exactly the same as him, actually), for some reason everyone assumed he was better than me. Once a family member went as far as to ask me, to get his point across, "Who gets better grades, you or your brother?" and I kept answering "We get exactly the same...", until he finally said "No, it's him. And you know why? Because he knows what he wants".
And you know what? I actually believed him. And it made me feel so stupid that when I got to the end of high school, 7 years later, it was such a relief to see that my grade was the exact same number as my brother's. But still it wasn't over! To this day I still deal with impostor syndrome - I feel like I don't deserve my achievements, and I can't help but wonder if it wasn't because of my constant one-sided competition with my brother, who never once wanted me to feel that way.
When children come to this world, everything is encouraging them to compete with each other - the fact that we rank kids at school, that most games have a winner, that everything is made into a contest. So kids are already comparing themselves to others. You encouraging that is not helping them. Please don't help kids measure their worth compared to others, even if you're telling them that they're the best. We should really abolish the spirit of competition, as it's not helping anyone's mental health, and rather invest in cooperation instead.
4. Don't force a child into social interaction
Although I phrased it harshly, this is something that actually looks harmless. Picture this: You meet a child, and you try to greet them with a kiss. They refuse. What is the usual reaction? To insist. Sometimes we even pull their little bodies into a hug, after they say no, and we either laugh because they are so cute and shy or we tell them they can't be like that. But that isn't right, in my opinion. We are sending them a message that their bodies aren't theirs, and that their discomfort doesn't matter, when we should be taking this opportunity to teach them that they're in charge of their own bodies, and that no one should force them to do something uncomfortable. We should show them what an adult who respects them looks like, so they can understand the difference and better defend themselves against a world who many times doesn't. We should let them feel safe, always.
3. Don't compare children
This is really obvious for me, but people do it without noticing. I have an older brother, who I've always looked up too. He is really intelligent and always had really good grades. Besides, he is just a really sweet, charming and funny guy. Everyone loves my brother, so growing up, I couldn't help but be a little jealous. Even though I also got really good grades (exactly the same as him, actually), for some reason everyone assumed he was better than me. Once a family member went as far as to ask me, to get his point across, "Who gets better grades, you or your brother?" and I kept answering "We get exactly the same...", until he finally said "No, it's him. And you know why? Because he knows what he wants".
And you know what? I actually believed him. And it made me feel so stupid that when I got to the end of high school, 7 years later, it was such a relief to see that my grade was the exact same number as my brother's. But still it wasn't over! To this day I still deal with impostor syndrome - I feel like I don't deserve my achievements, and I can't help but wonder if it wasn't because of my constant one-sided competition with my brother, who never once wanted me to feel that way.
When children come to this world, everything is encouraging them to compete with each other - the fact that we rank kids at school, that most games have a winner, that everything is made into a contest. So kids are already comparing themselves to others. You encouraging that is not helping them. Please don't help kids measure their worth compared to others, even if you're telling them that they're the best. We should really abolish the spirit of competition, as it's not helping anyone's mental health, and rather invest in cooperation instead.
4. Don't force a child into social interaction
Although I phrased it harshly, this is something that actually looks harmless. Picture this: You meet a child, and you try to greet them with a kiss. They refuse. What is the usual reaction? To insist. Sometimes we even pull their little bodies into a hug, after they say no, and we either laugh because they are so cute and shy or we tell them they can't be like that. But that isn't right, in my opinion. We are sending them a message that their bodies aren't theirs, and that their discomfort doesn't matter, when we should be taking this opportunity to teach them that they're in charge of their own bodies, and that no one should force them to do something uncomfortable. We should show them what an adult who respects them looks like, so they can understand the difference and better defend themselves against a world who many times doesn't. We should let them feel safe, always.
5. Don't threaten a child
Fear and respect are two completely different things. Threats are not a good way to get your message across. When a child is "misbehaving", it's not because they are bad kids or they want to challenge you or make fun of you, it's because they are children and there's a lot they don't understand... by threatening them, you're not helping them, or teaching them anything. They may become obedient to you, but they won't learn what you probably want them to learn. When they grow up, and stop fearing you, they probably won't have a reason to obey you anymore. Besides, kids copy the behaviors they see from the people they admire you. Would you be happy if you found out this child you threatened has now a habit of threatening other kids at school?
We often undervalue the feelings of children just because they're children. We all know that sometimes we have those moments when we are really angry, stressed or sad, and we often take it out on others. If someone came to you on those moments, told you you were misbehaving and threatened you, would you feel better? Wouldn't you rather have someone who is patient with you, tries to understand your point and does their best to help you feel better? So why should a child, whose emotions are running all over the place since they still don't know how to control them, be different?
We often undervalue the feelings of children just because they're children. We all know that sometimes we have those moments when we are really angry, stressed or sad, and we often take it out on others. If someone came to you on those moments, told you you were misbehaving and threatened you, would you feel better? Wouldn't you rather have someone who is patient with you, tries to understand your point and does their best to help you feel better? So why should a child, whose emotions are running all over the place since they still don't know how to control them, be different?
And what you should ALWAYS say to a child
"I'm sorry"
People make mistakes. I don't deal with children a lot, but still, I'm guilty of 1,2 and 4 on this list, and one day, if I ever have a kid, in a stressful situation I'll probably be guilty of 5 too. I had a pretty easy going childhood, with a loving, caring and supporting family, and still, all of these things happened to me, and shaped me. It's hard to unlearn the things you were exposed to all your life as "normal". So it's really important to show children that we also make mistakes. That we aren't perfect, and that we aren't always right.
By apologizing to kids, you aren't showing weakness. Kids don't have to think you're perfect to respect you.
Also, children learn a lot by example. There are so many people that have a hard time admitting that they are wrong and say they're sorry; So many people that can't forgive and let go; And so many people that often blame themselves for other people's mistakes. By apologizing to a child, you are also teaching them so many important lessons that will help them become better, kinder and healthier people. Please, always say "I'm sorry"
So, as I said, I'm not a parent, so I can't give parenting advice, and I'm not intending to do it here - this is just my thought process. However, there are a couple of wonderful resources made by parents, to parents. Unfortunately, the only I know and therefore can recommend are in Portuguese (see below). But if you look for "Positive reinforcement" and "Attachment parenting" you'll probably find really great resources in a kind of parenting that I believe is the most ethical way of raising a child.
Do you also feel like children are often treated like dolls rather than human beings? Do you also look back on your childhood and realize that your feelings were often dismissed and that might have affected your current behaviors and insecurities? I really would love to know your opinion on this!
Follow me on Bloglovin'
Resources for the Portuguese speakers:
Eu gosto muito do trabalho do Thiago Queiroz, tanto no "Paizinho Virgula" (que tem um canal de youtube excelente!) como no podcast "Tricot de Pais" (que também tem um podcast irmão muito bom, "Sinuca de Bicos")
Também recomendo seguir "Vegana é a sua mãe" no facebook e no instagram.
Os termos chave em português são Criação com Apego e Disciplina positiva.
Do you also feel like children are often treated like dolls rather than human beings? Do you also look back on your childhood and realize that your feelings were often dismissed and that might have affected your current behaviors and insecurities? I really would love to know your opinion on this!
Follow me on Bloglovin'
Resources for the Portuguese speakers:
Eu gosto muito do trabalho do Thiago Queiroz, tanto no "Paizinho Virgula" (que tem um canal de youtube excelente!) como no podcast "Tricot de Pais" (que também tem um podcast irmão muito bom, "Sinuca de Bicos")
Também recomendo seguir "Vegana é a sua mãe" no facebook e no instagram.
Os termos chave em português são Criação com Apego e Disciplina positiva.
Comentários
Enviar um comentário